Love at First Sight, Myth or Reality ?

Love at First Sight, Myth or Reality ?

Introduction

  Let’s start by defining the term, it is very important to know exactly what I am willing to talk about. First know that love at first sight is not very easy to explain, and some people even reject its possibility and dismiss its existence, in this article, I’ll be implying : “the feeling of ultimate attraction and extreme romance toward a complete stranger at the first time your eyes meet”. This, is love at first sight and nothing else is…

I - Significative terms

   Before we dive deep into the matter, I think it’s interesting to introduce two intermediate subjects, things that AREN’T love at first sight, and the dimensions with which we measure emotions.

I - 1 - Infatuation and social familiarity

   Infatuation, also called smitten in pop culture, is the action of getting carried away by unreasonable or unfounded love. It can be triggered either by good looks, or by a lot of common points in personality or passions. Sexual attraction (by scent, vision or touch) can also be called infatuation, although partially. Social familiarity is more stretched in the temporal dimension, and as the words describe it, the more the person gets used to the other, the more that individual becomes attached and fearful of loss. Since both need time to develop (even short, 10-15 minutes for infatuation) these ARE NOT considered love at first sight.

[For more details, please see my article “What Psychology Thinks of Love”]

I - 2 - Emotional intensity and profundity

   Every emotion a human being feels (in this case love) have two dimensions, intensity expresses an instant picture of an emotional experience at a certain time and its powerfulness (“amplitude” for scientists). Profundity adds the temporal dimension to the equation which can either be the duration or the frequency. For example sexual intercourse is an intense experience since it’s strongly felt but not very profound since by a duration standard -compared to other emotions of course- is short. An example of profound emotion is the deep, durable and true feeling of love, widely distributed along a long period of time. Love at first sight is so intense and profound at the same time it is considered as one of the “enlightenment” revelations.

II - Stages :

   The process of loving someone at first sight happens in successive precise steps, the only well-defined and real love at first sight is only true when both of the two first stages have been through with. Any missing item and you find yourself in either infatuation or social familiarity, which is not a bad thing, it is indeed very stupid to dismiss the beautiful experience of love just because it wasn’t at first sight, it is also important to know that this kind of experience happens to two people from 10.000 which is 00.02 % of the population, so most (if not all) of the healthy and happy families we know haven’t loved each other at first sight…

   The two next steps are just a matter of good decision-making and “acting on the feelings” so they do not dismiss the fact that it remains a love at first sight experience, even if those decisions haven’t been made…

II - 1 - Eye contact

   This stage is the one that defines the term “first sight”, so I won’t be beating around the bush by expressing its importance and I will go right away and explain it, the word “first” means that the loved one is a total stranger and it is the first time you see him, although there are cases where the person have been seen before but they haven’t made eye contact yet, indeed, this is what “sight” means, it means eye contact. So love at first sight is only valid when both make their first eye contact ever, not the second and definitely not the third...

II - 2 - Time dilation

   This stage is the most hilarious when recalled later (beautifully hilarious), it is often depicted in Hollywood movies and popular culture as the world going in slow motion, and the person we fell in love with as sparkling and shining. As strange and weird as this might seem, this is the true feeling of the experience.

   This phenomenon is called “Chronostasis”, often experienced by drug-abusers (especially stimulants), substances that rush to the brain and create deep psychedelic effects tend to bestow a slower experience of time. “Chronostasis temporarily occurs when fixating on a target stimulus, immediately following a saccade that elicits an overestimation in the temporal duration for which that target stimulus was perceived[...]”.

   About the brain areas, those associated with “dopamine” and “norepinephrine” production are the most active in the experience of love. Drenched in chemicals that bestow focus, stamina and vigor, and driven by the motivating engine of the brain, the individual tend to feel “heroic” in that situation, and is more ready to make life-changing decisions (such as quitting his job).

II - 3 - Backing down to reality and making a decision

   Most of the time, this decision needs to be made by the male counterpart, and it implies snapping out of the temporary cloud-like dream, and making the “right” decision of starting the conversation.

   The process of this decision seems simple, but unfortunately most of men decide not to, in order to avoid social awkwardness, for not being sure what the female counterpart feels or just by plain and simple cowardice.

   It is also important to note, that in some rare cases, (a rare case of a rare case) it is the female counterpart that forces the conversation, getting fed up by waiting, or being overwhelmed by curiosity after such an intense feeling.

II - 4 - Enjoyment of the experience

   Only if the previous decision have been made then this stage may follow, often described as speechless “sessions” with each other, both enjoying only the presence of one another without any particular exciting activity, although there are some techniques used to enhance the experience itself :

• Visual : Just staying at home with dim lights, candle flames or totally in the dark. Reducing the visual awareness of the brain making it concentrate on the emotional.
• Auditory : This doesn’t need explaining but is good to mention. Some soft and low music in the background can help enhance the experience.
• Olfactory : Burning some incenses, perfumed candles, actually bathing in strong-smelling soap, or straight-up perfumes.

   This state of mind is very similar to what some people call “trance”, in which the mind is separated from the body and every single thing becomes enjoyable. This mainly emanates from the fact of forgetting the notion of time, neither planning the future nor remembering the past, just “living the moment” in its true and pure form.

III - Ending scenarios and future situations

   Not only depending on the decisions made, the outcome of such an experience can be very volatile. Most of the time, unfortunately, ending in a breakup.

III - 1 - Breakup

   Barriers such as religious intolerance (like unwillingness to convert), legal issues (one counterparty is married), huge age difference or simple social prejudice can force the two individuals to separate. Indeed love at first sight is such a rare occurrence that we may never know between whom it will happen, often two people from severely separated social settings. This shock tends to be highly to extremely painful, and may involve destructive behaviours and even suicide.

   It is very important that a person going through this process should have moral support, but definitely not from the lover concerned ! As this may result in longer exposure and deeper attachment.

   Although as far as statistics are concerned. Most of the time the lovers make the rational and responsible decision and move on with their lives. We can also associate this after-state with the “Five stages of grief” : denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
[For more details, see my article “Advanced Version of The Stages of Grief”]

   The post-process after living such an experiences can result in two behavioural patterns :

• Stonewalling : After going through such a painful emotion, the majority just shut their heart down, refusing any romantic advances and any emotional engagement. This is also called “giving up on love” and can lead to cold-blooded relationships or worse, social isolation.
• Philophilia : The person affected with this state is the total opposite of the previous. He does not love one person in particular, but enjoys the feeling of love. So he just “hangs on” to random patterns, creates imaginary relationships in his mind and falls in love with every person he meets. This is a desperate behaviour to recreate the previous enjoyable experience, leading to further emotional pain.

III - 2 - Continuation

   Even though this is a purely scientific and objective article, I cannot hold myself from qualifying this outcome as the “most magical dream”. Of course, this may involve future processes, like “relationship maintenance” and “calibration”, because even if it’s love at first sight and it's the most intense and profound experience of love, a badly fulfilled long-term relationship may eventually fade away. But marriage when in this state of emotion is considered as “one of the most successful and long-lasting” of a couple’s life. Since most of the time it gives birth to a “co-dependent relationship”.

[For more details, see my article “The Three-Spectrum of Relationships”]

IV - Opinions :

   Opinions are often relying on the two emotional dimensions, generally to argument against the feeling… Intensity and Profundity. This is also what makes these arguments indefinitive.

IV - 1 - Depreciative views

   The first one is implying intensity, based on the principle that love consists not solely of attraction to physical appearance, which is only sexual desire, but also knowing the agent's character traits, such as kindness, honesty, wisdom and a sense of humor. Such knowledge cannot be present at first sight, as it requires familiarity.

   The second implies of course profundity, that love does not merely consist of feelings, rather, it essentially involves activities, and these cannot be exercised at first sight.

   

IV - 2 - Counter-Arguments

   The fundamental mistake in the first argument is the assumption that we cannot attribute to a person characteristics that are not seen at the moment. This assumption is incorrect since we often spontaneously attribute such characteristics, by using certain “cliché” evaluations. This, for example, is what underlies the “attractiveness halo”, in which what is beautiful is evaluated as good.

   About the second argument, the fact that love at first sight may perish after a while also does not imply that it was not an intense love at first. Time is not an exclusive, or even the major measure of intense love. On the contrary, strong romantic intensity is more likely to subside than to disappear after a while.

M.K. Ibn Hadj Kacem